Sexual Purity Starts Long Before Touch

We walk through how emotional attachment forms long before physical compromise and why that pattern keeps so many Christians stuck in sexual sin. We share a clear framework for spotting the trap early, setting boundaries, and dating with community so purity becomes sustainable. 

• Why we believe sexual purity starts with emotional boundaries, not the bedroom 
• The “attachment spiral” and the four T’s: too much talk, too much time, too much thought, too much touch 
• How modern dating apps, constant texting, and social media accelerate emotional soul ties 
• Dopamine dating, emotional dependency, and mood swings tied to someone’s attention 
• Oversharing, trauma bonding, and ignoring red flags before character is proven 
• Why we push community, covering, and accountability early in dating 
• Practical markers of healthy kingdom dating: slow down, watch patterns, protect peace 

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Transcript

Tour Relaunch And Invitation

SPEAKER_00 0:01

Hello, hello, hello. How's it going? Hope you're doing amazing. I am just so thankful, y'all. We are in 1,500 cities, and we're about to get ready to relaunch our Christian dating talk tours so we can come to your churches, to your events, and have real conversations. And so if you would like for us to come to your church and do a dating talk, dating workshop, I want you to put me into contact with your pastor, okay? And then we'll work out the logistics and I will see you. All right. But

Why Purity Was My Battle

SPEAKER_00 0:35

today, I want us to get into continue to talk about sexual purity because this was something that was a huge struggle for me. And y'all who followed me for the last couple years, I used to be a homeless single mom, and and I became a homeless single mom because of my decision to have sex and not walk in the purity that the Lord has called me to as a Christian. And it wasn't because I didn't want to, it wasn't because I didn't want to be pure. I it I wasn't just out there willy-nilly doing it, even though I was still falling to it. I was trapped, I was locked into sexual sin. Because one, I hadn't experienced baptism of the Holy Spirit, and I wasn't reading my Bible and getting to know the Lord as I should. I was just a regular Christian going to churches, doing the church things, but I was still bound by sexual sin. And so I've been really praying because I've gotten a lot of emails and messages and comments. Now, thank y'all for the information and for just to reaching out about what you're personally going through. But I've gotten a lot of people ask me, Faye, how did you get free? And I just want to really do a video to speak to that because this is a real thing. And it's really hard when you love the Lord so much, but yet you're still abundant in bundles to your body and you're a slave to fornication and sexual sin. And so let's get to it. Today we're gonna talk

The Attachment Spiral Framework

SPEAKER_00 2:00

about what I have coined the attachment spiral, and these are the four things that lead you into a sex trap or lead you into fornication when you cannot get out. And so this is not an all-inclusive list, this is like a general outlook of what this looks like. Y'all, my light is like going crazy. Oh my god. But this is like something I've seen in a lot of different believers' walks. And I went through all my journals, and I just really went and sat before God and was like, Lord, help me to remember, take me back to when I was really going through this. And the Lord allowed me to go back and go back down memory lane. And while reading my journals, and I shared this with my friends, and she was like, Wow, Faye, this is really helpful. So I'm really hoping this will be helpful, helpful for you too. So here we go. I wanna I wanna really get straight to it, okay? A lot of Christians are falling into sexual sin, it is what it is. You are you have fallen into sexual sin and you are a slave to it, but you don't realize that although you fall into sexual sin, it's actually probably an emotional attachment, it's probably either avoided or one where you feel like you gotta have it, okay? And so a lot of Christians, you're falling through emotional attachments first, and you don't realize why you're in such bondage. A lot of us we go from one relationship to the next relationship, never allowing ourselves to fully heal and become whole. And so we're gonna deal with this. But people think the danger of starting in the bedroom, they think like that's the biggest issue. But what I've learned on my walk with Jesus, and as a believer who's overcome fornication, it does not start there. The danger usually starts way earlier, it starts with the constant text messages or the constant hanging out, it starts with the late night face time calls or you up on all these little chats or whatever. It starts in oversharing, it starts in emotional dependency and codependency, it starts with flirting without boundaries, nothing wrong with a good Christian flirt. That's cute. But what you doing? Why are all your breasts out? Like, come on now, and so it starts with acting married before a commitment's even in place. But by the time that we are physically compromised, our emotions have already attached to this person, and now we're already one. See what I'm saying? And so this is why I created this attachment spiral framework so that we can begin to unpack this, not just spiritually, not just scripturally, but scientifically, because it all works together. Because I want to help you get free, okay? And so most people, they it's not like when they fall into impurity and sexual sin, it's not a sudden fall. Like I always tell people, when I was struggling with fornication, I walked into it, I knew cognitively exactly what I was doing. But by the time I about by the time I was already in there, I was already in there, it was too late. I was already gone mentally, my heart was already gone, and it's just what it was. And so I tell a lot of my girls, which I'm getting ahead of myself, I tell a lot of girls and and gosh that I speak to listen, when you are dating, there's different rules you must play by. And if you are not playing by those rules, your walk and your holiness and your purity is on the line, and it will be tried. And you are playing with fire when you are dating in today's age, especially, baby, because baby, who y'all got it hard. But this is what I came up with because you don't understand that when you're dating and you are not on guard because you're so excited that you got a boo, that you can become get to a place where you're slowly drifting through repeated emotional exposure. You are in a space of a spouse, and you ain't even married, you don't even realize it. Okay, and so this is what I came up with: too much talk, too much touch, too much time,

Modern Dating Makes Attachment Fast

SPEAKER_00 6:10

too much thought. These are the four T's that are that are leading you into your sexual sin, into your compromise of your walk with the Lord. And these were the four things that I had to really take note of and really begin to ask the Lord, help me understand why I'm doing this, why it's the same old cycle, why when I say I want to be free, I'm still bound. This is a conversation you got to be willing to willing and ready to have. And if you're not ready, willing and ready to have this conversation, you're not willing and ready to be free, okay? And so listen to me too much talk, you're talking all the time, oversharing, all this right here, it's gonna create an attachment. That's just how we are as humans. God made us this way. We are created to commune, to attach. And when you're talking too much to this person, it will create an attachment, all right? And when you put too much time into that talking, into that attachment, that's where the attachment will deepen. You'll go deeper with that person, and then that too much thought, you thinking about what y'all talking about, you're thinking about oh my god, it's so much fun, oh my god, he smells so good, oh my god, she's so fine, oh my god, all these different things that's feeding the attachment, and so and when you begin to touch too much touching, all that heavy patting and hugging and kissing and all that stuff, which I tell people listen, I don't believe you need to be kissing. Keep your lips off of that person, keep your hands to yourself. I'm not saying you can't hold hands a little bit, but I'm saying know who you are, be real with yourself. Some of y'all, you know, you can't afford to touch nobody. You get way too excited, you run out of running down the road, and y'all know what did you do, and so you gotta know yourself, be real to yourself. And for me, I know I can't kiss you. And I tell people, listen, kissing leads to babies, period. I don't care, I don't care what you say. You can sit here and argue with me. You can call me today on this on this uh podcast, and I'll argue you, I will argue with you back to back because I believe that kissing leads to babies, period. Because if you're kissing, what's the point? What's the goal? And then my other question is where your hands at? What these right here doing when you kissing because I know you ain't like this. I know I know your hands ain't praying, I know your hands ain't behind your back, I know your hands ain't in your pocket. So, what you're doing, you're touching, and in that too much touching that seals the emotional attachment, which ultimately becomes emotional fornication, and once the heart goes, the body flows. See what I'm saying? And so when you begin to understand these steps, you will find yourself in a safer place to walk in freedom, okay? And so when we look into 2026 dating scene, with the dating apps, the social media, the trauma bunding, the situation ships, the soft little pay relationships, the 24-7 access to people, this spiral is happening faster than ever. All right, and so we're gonna really begin to unpack this. So I want you to flow with me, all right. Modern dating has created fast attachment, and so before you can even really get with the Lord and hear the Lord, you are already sealed in. I tell a lot of girls, listen, I know you're excited because he's cute. I know he's so cute, and and guys, brothers, I know she's fine, I know she's great, but have you went and asked the Holy Spirit first? Have you went and spent time seriously and sought godly counsel? Or are you just excited that you guys could potential potential spouse? Because as much as we love marriage, you better count for costs, all right? So let's get into it. Let's be honest. Dating in 2026 is emotionally dangerous, and if you do not have clear boundaries, especially, okay, people are building emotional soul ties with strangers in three days. I know people who because they share commonality. Oh my god, they love to eat here, I love to eat here. We talked a couple times, that's my best friend. We're gonna get together, we're gonna meet up. What are you doing? Like, come on now, what is y'all doing? So many folks, some some some serial people, some some some you know, Mooney tunes, and you over here falling in love after three days. I want you to really take a step back and breathe. Because just because he quoted a few verses don't mean he yours. Just because he saved don't mean he's yours. A lot of times you over here, you already before the man can even get a seat in church, you've already oh, that's my husband, man of God. Before she can even show that she really can be a real rib to you, you've done already married her. She ain't even saved yet. And some of y'all already trying to date them. They they ain't even profess that Jesus is Lord, but you trying to evangelate them, you evangelate them. You trying your best, you want to holler at them, so you gotta get them saved real quick. What are you doing? Creating these crazy attachments. You gotta calm down, woman of God, man. Okay, so people are building these soul ties in three days, and that's crazy. You meeting people online, y'all texting them on stop, you sending these crazy voice notes, y'all doing inappropriate stuff on these FaceTime calls because I know what it is, okay. Y'all sending little weird pictures and stuff. Mm-hmm. Mm-hmm. I'm looking at some of y'all because you need to stop. If you can't see me looking at you, go to the YouTube channel and watch me stare in your face because you need accountability, okay? Let me keep going. You talking all night, you sending all these selfies, you sharing trauma, trauma bonding. Oh, I went through that too. Calm down, you oversharing while we here, woman of God. Listen, you gotta be discerning, and a lot of times in our excitement, we'll overshare, and you don't even realize it's a narcissistic person, and it's not even just for women, this is for men, too. You all you oversharing about my last person. This is what they did to me. This is what I want, this is my dream, and that person over there writing notes, like, oh, I know I know how to get them. And you ain't went not one time and checked with the Holy Spirit, check with your leaders, you ain't brought them around your leaders until it's too late. After you done fell in love, now you want your leaders to tell you, do you approve of them? Baby, you done already slept with them, baby. You done already gave them the stuff, you already in love, and now all of a sudden, because you're ready to go and get married, you want people just to bless it. Come on now, we gotta we gotta relax. You oversharing, you all trauma abundant, you codependent, you entangling yourself, you becoming one, and then by the time we look up, it's too late, it's too late. I can speak to that because that was me. I can go hard on this because this was me. I'm not even kidding. And by the grace of God, I was able to come out of that. Thank you, Jesus. And if you are bound in this, I'll help you. You can join the community, you can get my resources, you can do a lot of things, listen to this podcast, and you can get free. But I don't want you creating these emotional attachments too soon, all right. And so you're talking about marriage after week one. Here's another one. My god, sit down. You're talking about marriage, and y'all ain't even bruh. Why is y'all talking about marriage? He just invited you to coffee and you already picked out your wedding colors. Like, what is wrong with you? Like, you need to calm down because you are not discerning. And if you are, it's not discerning him by the spirit of the Holy Spirit. You you discern him from your flesh. I like him, he looks good, he smells good. I think he's my husband. Calm down because you're about to wreck yourself, okay, woman of God, man of God, you too. I know she's fine, I know she looks good, but you better understand that it's more to being a biblical bride and being a rib than looking good. And what you're gonna do when that looks good, go out the door. Because we all gotta get old, something could happen. What you gonna do when your entire relationship was built on her body? Don't make no sense. Do it. Come on, use your head, all right? And then this another one we be doing calling each other this is my person. This is this is the one God sent me. God told me that's my husband. I'll pop you in your forehead. You better be careful with this God said. I get so irritated. I ain't gonna even lie to y'all. Y'all can see I'm on a tangent, I don't even care. Because I get so frustrated when people talk about God said it. I'm not saying God can't say, but I'm saying be very mindful when you're talking about God has said, especially you women of God. You talking about God said that's your husband, but he ain't even taught the husband. Ain't the husband supposed to pursue you? So why you chasing him? And you done went and parked your car, you done went and parked. You ain't even leaving invitation for other men who might really like you. You done parked to the side because you said in your mind, God said that's your husband. But my question for you is out of the mouth of two or three witnesses, let every word be known. What is the fruit of that prophecy that you said God said? Where's the fruit? He looking at somebody else, and when you look at his type, you ain't even his type. Now, I'm not saying God can't say that to you, but I am saying be very careful because you over here think I'm married spiritually to this man, and he could be someone else's wife. You can be looking stupid when he shows up down the aisle with somebody else, and I'm trying to just save you from that foolishness, okay? Let me go on, come on, let me go on, let me keep going. And so we do all this stuff, create all these attachments. Meanwhile, there's no commitment, no covering, no clarity, no direction. And now, you boo-boo the foo foo, you looking stupid, you looking like egg on your chest. You at church, you gotta hide because it didn't work out. Y'all come on, we gotta we gotta do better, women and men of God, okay? And you gotta understand your emotions are already involved by this point, and that's the problem. Modern dating gives people unlimited emotional access before accountability is ever entered the picture, and that's dangerous. So let's go and get into it. If you're talking too much, too much talk creates

Too Much Talk And Dopamine Dating

SPEAKER_00 16:45

the attachment. And so let's start right here. Too much talk is the hook, that's the hook, all right. Some of us, when we dating, some of y'all, when y'all dating, you are dating through dopamine. You're looking for a dopamine hit, you like that feel, you like that rush, you like the ooh, the rush, and there's nothing wrong with it. I love a good chase, even now. My husband, he's a great pursuer, even now. Even now, but when we were dating, that man pursued you, girl, and I was all for it. And but a lot of us we're dating through dopamine. That means we love the constant notification, we love the constant attention, we love the good morning, beautiful text, all that foolishness. We love the late life emotional, deep conversations, we love all that stuff, and you think you're building connection. Listen to me, come here. You think you're building connection, but sometimes you're just building a dependency to get your next fix, your next dopamine fix, your next ego boost, your next confidence shot. Because nobody wanted you, but now oh, he all on you. Nobody wanted you, bro. But now she all on you. Look at you now. Have you checked with the Lord? Have you done due diligence on this possible suitor or this possible bride? And if you ain't, you better calm down. Stop talking to them so much. All right, and so this especially when you start making someone your emotional safe place before they proven. So that's that's not the so what I'm saying is the issue's not in so much the talking, the issue is in when there's been no proven, there's nothing proven, like you don't know, you're just excited. You're going off dopamine, you're going off instant gratification, you don't know them, nothing's been proven, their character has not been proven, their consistency has not been proven, and their covenant intentions have not been proven. And here you are down the aisle, you done picked your colors out for your wedding, you done always said that's my wife, and now you are attached. And by the time your spiritual leader or covering able to say, Hey, you might want to reconsider that you too far deep. That's a problem, man of God, woman of God. And so now your mood begins to shift based on their attention. This person don't text you at a certain time, all of a sudden, you got an attitude. That's a problem. Let's me know there's probably an unhealthy dependency there. I'm not saying this is for all cases, but I am saying that when you are dating, you got to be mindful of the attachments that you are forming through the constant communication when there's nothing proven. Once y'all are engaged and you've gone through the proper steps, and there are steps in dating, and you bet you better have them. Now, probably I'm gonna drop an ebook soon where you can literally like download it and begin to look at what where are you? How your dating doing? A dating checkup, baby. Are you off? Are you on point? All right, and so I'm I'm not saying because talking is a part of dating, but before the person's been proven and you already down the hill, Mary, in your mind, that's a problem, okay? And so they begin to text less and you feel anxious, they disappear and you spiral out of control. Why? Because the attachment has formed. And so let's get into the the sexual purity starts before the touch. You don't realize that you're already in the loop once the attachment is started. That's why it's so important for you to have accountability all around you, and this is what Christians need to hear. I need you to hear me, woman of God, man of God. Sexual purity does not start with your body, it starts when there's no boundaries. It starts way before it gets to the touch, it gets to the act, okay? It starts with your boundaries because most people, most believers, you most times don't cross the physical lines emotionally first. See what I'm saying? And so you've already attached, therefore, you already probably fantasizing, and you're already emotionally dependent, and you're already mentally consumed by this thing. And so by the time the touch actually starts, your discernment has already weakened. So there's already a kink in your armor. See what I'm saying? And the enemy can play with you because it's already, it's almost like going to battle with a hole in your in your breastplate, and your armor, it's like your armor's not fully in place to protect you because you've already allowed it to be weakened. See what I'm saying? And so this is why I tell people without clear boundaries and clear accountability, you will fall into sexual sin. All right, and so because you've already got the attachment, it's gonna be very hard when a temptation shows up. But you gotta remember, God always provides a way of escape when you are being tempted. The enemy rarely starts with sex, okay? He he rarely just throw it in your face, unless you're a sex addict, and then on top of then you gotta go to another therapist or something. You gotta go and get treatment and get deliverance and get get whole, but the enemy. Rarely starts right there because he already knows you're gonna reject that. He starts with emotional access first. He starts with your boundaries. Do you have boundaries up? Do you have accountabilities? Do you have a hedge of protection around you? If you don't, you got a problem. The next thing we're gonna shift into is too much time and too much thought.

Too Much Time And Too Much Thought

SPEAKER_00 22:18

Because after the talking, the the time and the thought is what seals it. See what I'm saying? And so too much time deepens the attachment. Now, y'all together constantly, every day, every break, every evening, every weekend, no space, no breathing room, baby. We're together, we is one, all right? No wisdom. You you are dating in isolation, your friends can't get to you because you're with your man that's not your man, but you're with your man. See what I'm saying? And so this is where too much time and too much thought begin to entrap you into a soul tie, okay? And so now you're imagining marriage, you're building a fantasy, you're ignoring the red flags, you're emotionally invested by this time because you created a future in your head with somebody that God has never assigned to your life, because you have never came up for air to allow God to look at this, to allow for yourself to even begin to question and ask the right questions and interview this person, to allow for your spiritual leadership to begin to look into this and see what you can't see because you're so enamored that you're missing the red flags. This is dangerous, y'all. And this is why so so many of us we break up feeling like dang, my heart is so broken, but I don't know enough for like two months. It's because emotionally you already built an entire life around them, so you gotta really be careful with that time and that thought, okay? Because you build an emotional marriage in your mind. I always tell girls stop parking your car before he put a ring on your finger. You ain't married till you marry, you ain't married till it's been a strong commitment. I remember when my husband was dating me, y'all. He was dating me, and I thought he was trying to play with me. And if you know, you know me, all right. I was like, he ain't gonna play with me. I went off on him. He he literally said me now was like, Listen, woman, I'm trying to date you. I want to marry you. I want to first make you into my fiance, then my wife, then I'm my kids. And I was like, Okay, you better, don't play with me. You got to understand, like this dating thing, you gotta ask those right questions. Stop letting people string you alone. And and while they string you alone, you building these mental fantasies because you're spending all this time, all this talking to them, and so this is where you get messed

Too Much Touch Seals The Trap

SPEAKER_00 24:50

up, right here, okay? Let's talk about the too much touch that seals the deal, and you are in emotional fornication, and you're about to get messed up into sexual immorality, you about to get into a sexual relationship with a man that's not yours. But the good thing is, you can repent, you can repent, woman of God, okay? And so here comes the touch. So, too much talk, too much time, too much thought, too much touch is number four, right? And so let's be real a lot of Christians are trying to play with the lines of fleeing temptation, and that's why y'all sending weird pictures, that's why y'all FaceTiming each other's body parts, that's why y'all doing weird stuff because you skirting the lines, you get as close as you can without falling. But you gotta understand you can't play with fire and inspect not to get burned. You hear me? And so you sleeping together, you cuddled up, you you got your little kissing all the time, you laying up, y'all traveling alone together, y'all practicing intimacy without covenant. Come on now, what are you doing? And then you want to act shock when your feelings explode, or you end up pregnant like I was. I was like, I'm pregnant. I thought that would never be me. I never thought I'd be a single mama, but at the same time, I was doing what pregnant, I was doing the deed that gets you pregnant. It makes sense, do it, and so the enemy loves to play with you and make you think you can skirt between the lines. Ain't no skirting, baby. Ain't no skirt, you can't play with fire and not expect to get burned. You hear me? All right, and so the touch accelerates the attachment. God did not design physical intimacy to be casual, it was by design this intimacy, this physical intimacy is intimate where you see into me. Me and you are one, baby. You see what I'm saying? And so your body may leave the room, but your emotions often stay connected.

What Healthy Kingdom Dating Looks Like

SPEAKER_00 26:44

So, what does healthy kingdom dating actually look like in 2026? This is where we're gonna come to a close right here, okay? Number one, slow down, slow your butt down. Everybody does not deserve unlimited access to you immediately. They must be proven. Number two, stop building emotional intimacy with before clarity. You don't know them after two days. You don't know them. After two months, you don't know them. Calm down and then check in with your leaders. What or what is your covering saying? Take them to the covering day one. Like, I'm I'm not saying rush them to the altar, but I am saying, hey, I need you to come to church with me. Hey, can we go have dinner with my pastor, bro? Or at least have dinner with my disciple leader or lunch or coffee or something. Because a lot of times we wait too late to take them to our leaders, and by the time we've taken to our leaders, we already head over heels. So we don't even try to hear what the leader the leader got to say because we already gone. That was me. By the time I took my first love of my life, and when I took him to my people I loved a lot, people I respected, and the voices in my life, I was already in love, I was already in fornication, I was already gone mentally. I had already married him. We were already married with two kids living in Africa, doing philanthropy work for Jesus. And so don't be like me. I want you to understand literally, take them, take them to be seen. So stop trying to build emotional intimacy without clarity and without the eyes of community. The next one is watch the pattern more than their words. Like while you're smelling them, smelling the roses, open your eyes and look at this person. What's the fruit of their character? What's going on with them? Anyone can can text you consistently for two weeks. Character takes time to see. The next one is you want to date with community and accountability. This one right here will save your life. All right, isolation creates blind spots because you don't know it all, you can't see it all. And anybody can act like a representative until it's until after y'all get married, and then you see the real thing. And some of y'all, you don't even listen to Holy Spirit. Holy Spirit already told you that's not the person, but you like, but they're cute. So you're gonna okay, I'm gonna let you have it. All right. The next thing is you want to protect your purity before you have to recover from an unnecessary attachment because healing from emotional entanglement is exhausting. I'm gonna teach you how to do that, okay? I'm gonna teach you how to come back after heartbreak. And so, in closing, I really need y'all to hear me, hear me, and hear me well. This emotional attachment spiral is real. The too much time, too much talk, too much touch, too much thought. That's a real thing that will lead you into emotional fornication, ultimately, physical fornication, ultimately into sin away from the heart of God, and it's gonna break your heart too, especially if you're a real lover of Jesus. All right, and so remember too much talk creates the attachment, too much time deepens it, too much thought feeds it because

Real Love Honors Boundaries

SPEAKER_00 30:05

now you're building it in your mind, and then when you begin to touch, that seals it, and many people are emotionally trapped before long before they realize what's happened. And it's that you woman of God, man of God, dating with wisdom is not old-fashioned, it's necessary, and I don't care how old you are, if you still dating, you need to date with wisdom. And if you call yourself to be a Christian, I don't care. Purity still works, the Lord still requires holiness. It don't matter if you you owe, if you you now redate after divorce, you know, it don't matter. Be ye holy, and and there's ways that you can practice it and stay in community and begin to fight for that purity. You can be celibate, and I mean fully celibate, not pleasing, not trying to sexually please yourself at all. The Lord called you to be holy, and when you give yourself to that, the Lord will bless you, He will send you that spouse. Hear what I'm saying, and so culture will make you confused with looking at how the culture dates, and it will make you think like, Man, this emotional intensity must be real love. Not necessarily, sometimes it's just hot air. See what I'm saying? So, real love does not rush attachment. So, I want you to hear real love does not rush attachment, real love does not manipulate access, real love honors boundaries, and real love protects purity, real love leaves room for peace. See what I'm saying? And so, if you like this episode, send it to somebody. Let's start a conversation. And we're about to start doing call-ins where you can call in and answer your question, have a dialogue. I would love to speak to you, and so I'm gonna put that link at the bottom where I can reach out and we can connect, all right? And I want to make sure that you subscribe to the Christian Dating Talk Podcast because here we're gonna have real conversations about modern dating and then to keep us from avoiding falling and actually help you become a godly spouse, all right? And so remember every connection does not mean that's your spouse, all right? But I love y'all, I will see y'all on the next episode.